Having a hard time

So I'm feeling kinda low these days. Summer is not our friend anyway. My son does not do well with unstructured time. Yet he also doesn't do well being forced into structured situations like camps or summer school. So there really isn't any happy medium with us.

I sent the kids to sports camp this week. Not an away camp. Just day camp. He got in trouble with hands on behavior on the first day, yesterday. Today he wouldn't get up and going so I left without him and took his sister. Then by 10am when he realized the alternative was sitting in his room and summer homework, he decided to try again, so he went late. I'm crossing my fingers.

A few weeks ago we were on a good path with his eating. Now he's off again. He didn't eat lunch at camp yesterday, which undoubtedly contributed to his bad behavior. He definitely cannot NOT eat. But getting him to mature enough to realize that is basically impossible. SO FRUSTRATING.

He's also been really irritable and angry in the last week plus. They went on vacation with their grandparents and overall, things went pretty well it seems. But not so well since he has returned. In a couple of weeks he has to go to summer school for a few days at his new school. The anxiety I feel about that is already overwhelming me.

I think I realized today that I am stressed ALL the time. I always thought I just had moments of stress, relative and reactive to whatever was going on right then. I think I finally have to admit that I live in a constant state of stress that is pulling me down, deeper every day into a place I don't want to be.

And I am ashamed to admit that I don't want this. This is not the way I pictured my adulthood and my parenthood. I was never a stressed or angry person growing up. Now, I think I am, and it scares me. This is not who I want to be but I don't know how to come out of it when literally, from the moment my son wakes up, there is conflict somewhere, somehow. He is constantly telling me "No, Wait, not yet, I will, leave me alone, etc..." in response to absolutely every request I make, from things as simple as "brush your teeth" to "come here please".

What I would give to hear a "yes" or "okay" out of his mouth.....